Redemption IV

It was late in the afternoon and Joey Parker was sitting in the funeral home waiting for the rest of his family to show up for his fathers funeral. The last 48 hours for him had been the hardest days of his life. His father was gone. He had died and home while Joey was out at a party. For Joey that night had been a blast. He made new friends, danced, he got high and had the best time he had ever had at a party before. It was New Years after all, it was supposed to be fun.
As the party came to an end, Him and his friends Jack, Todd and David walked home. They joked and grabbed and pushed at each other like kids from the 5th grade.
They dropped Jack at his house first, then continued on to  Todd's house leaving David and Joey to walk the rest of the way home alone.
Joey and David were best friends since 3rd grade. Now they were in High school and shared homerooms and a lot of their classes. Guy was the math guy while David liked science best. They were both passing though some classes barely. There would be some make up classes next year. Their junior year. They both knew that though they were looking for some way to get out of it.
As they reached Hamilton Ave, David said good night and turned down his street. He could see the lights were on in his house. They must be still up waiting for him.
Leaping two steps at a time David hurried into his house. He really wasn't in the mood to talk to his parents. He had been drinking and they would smell it all over him. He opened the door quietly dreading what he knew was about to happen.
"Hi Mom." He said as he walked through the kitchen. "How was the party?"
David looked at his mother who's eyes were swollen with tears. She fad been crying. Something was wrong here.
"Mom? What's the matter?"
"David, where's Joey?"
"He's on his way home." David said looking nervous. "Why? What's going on?"
"I want you to go out there and catch him before hi gets home." She said. "Bring him back here. He's spending the night with us."
"Why?" David asked. "His parents ain't gonna like that."
"Just do what I ask you please."
"Ok."
David hurried out of the house and took off gown the street. Joey only lived two blocks down so he had to run to catch up with him. As David turned the corner he saw Joey standing there in the middle of the block staring at the cop cars that were parked in front of his house. David swallowed hard then ran down to catch up with Joey. When he caught him he reached out and put a hand on his shoulder.
"Joey?"
Joey turned and looked at David. His eyes were red and tears streaked down his face. At that moment, David wanted to take him in his arms and hold him. He didn't know what, but something bad had happened at Joey's house. David reached over and turned Joey away so he wasn't staring at the cop cars or the flashing red and blue lights.
"What happened?" Joey asked him.
"I don't know." David said. "But it can't be anything good."
"Its my Dad." Joey said as the tears started to flow. "He was the only one at home. I should have not gone to that party. I should have been here with him."
"Maybe your right. But I don't think this is in any way your fault. Come on, we're going home to my house."
As they turned, Davis led him back up the street and around the corner to his house. Joy was barely moving. He was walking like the whole world had just dropped out from under him. And it had.
At the top of the stairs to David's house, Mrs. West was there waiting for them. She grabbed Joey in a hug and held him while he cried. David stood there and watched as his mother played Mom to his best friend. After a few minutes, Mrs. West led Joey into the house and sat him at the living room table.
"What happened?" He asked her.
"I'm not sure but your brother was here and hour ago and he asked in you could stay here with us. Of course I said yes. I asked him what had happened. He said we would find out tomorrow. So tomorrow he will be back and we can talk this all out."
With David and Joey safe up in his room, Mrs West shut out the lights and went to bed. joey lay there in bed with a million things going through his mind. His father was dead. What could have happened? He probably drank himself to death. His father had been a alcoholic saw before Joey was born. For years Joey would find bottles of Scotch and pour them out. He loved his father very much but he hadn't been the same father for years. He worked until the drinking had gotten so bad that he either always had the shakes or he was totally unaware of where he was or what he was doing. He got social security and that kept them with a roof over their heads, he was barely there anymore. He lost his car and his license, their house burned one night while they were all out. Now that had a small apartment in a part of town Joey would never be caught dead in.
The next day, Joey got up and left the West home. He wanted to go home. He knew his father was gone, but he still had to go and collect all his stuff. Not that he had much. Some clothes that really didn't matter. Wherever he was going to live now they would get him new clothes.
As he walked up on the porch, he heard sounds coming from his apartment. he walked down the short fall and went into his place. The voices he heard belongs to two of his uncles searching through his fathers things for anything valuable.
"Excuse me." Joey said. "What are you doing here?"
"We came to get your fathers things in order."
"Oh you mean like his wallet?" Joey stood there with his hand out. "Give it to me."
"You seem to forget he was my brother. "Uncle James said in a huff.
"No I didn't forget." Joey said. "But you did. Where were you when he needed your help? Then he was just a drunk that you couldn't be bother with. Now here you are looking to pick through his bones! Get out!! Get out and don't come back!!"
Uncle James put down the wallet and started out the door.
"And where do.."   Slam, Joey slammed the door in there face.
Enraged, Joey left the kitchen and went into his room. He picked through his clothes and took a few things but, he didn't care about anything here.
As Joey sat there, he thought about the last time he had seen his father. It was two days before New Years and Joey was the with his friend Michael in bed. Michael was the love of his life and he always will be. They were wrapped in Joey's sweaty sheets making serious love. Suddenly Joey heard banging on his bedroom door. As they jumped up, his father pushed his way through the door. The conversation. no it was more of a yelling match. It didn't last long but once they were dressed, Joey and Michael stormed out of the apartment. Joey was embarrassed, but he doubted if his father would remember anything pass the night, and he didn't.
So here we are alone in the funeral hall waiting for his family and friends. Michael was there beside him holding his hand. They didn't care what anyone thought anymore. It really didn't matter. They would be together for as long as their relationship would last and that was just fine with them. But Joey was getting sad again when he thought about his father. He really loved his Dad. So they stood up and walked our to the car and sat there in the air conditioning. Joey reached over and put on the CD player. Simple Plan came on. a song named Perfect.  He sat back and thought about the last time he saw his father alive.
It was a few hours before the party. Joey spent the day hang out with his friends. Somebody had gone to the liquor stopped and brought a bottle of Jack. They were sipping and laughing all
day..Michael stopped by and told them he wouldn’t be going with them to the party..After a few hours everyone left to go home and get dressed. Joey went home for a quick shower and shave. Once his shower was done and he was dressed, he went next door to his father’s room for some cash.As joey entered his father’s bedroom, he could smell the Scotch in the air. His father must have dropped the bottle and spilled his drink. As Joey looked around the room, he saw his father laying silently in his bed. He thought he was asleep. But now that I think back, it was to quiet in the room. No snoring, no sound as all.His wallet sat there on the bed side table.. Joey grabbed it and took $20. It wasn’t much. He just needed something in his wallet when the New Year started. With money in his pocket, Joey left locking the door behind him.

So there you go. I should have checked my father closer. He might have been dead or maybe there was something I could have done, like calling an ambulance. I might have been able to save his life.Redemption? I’ll feel guilty about this for the rest of my life.Why? Because to me it shouldn’t have mattered that he drank. This was my father, all I had to do was love him and respect him, and I couldn't get that right. I'm sorry and its gonna hurt forever..

This is a true story. The names have been changed to spare the innocent.

Hey, Dad, look at me

Think back, and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time
Doing things I want to do?
But it hurts when you disapproved all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
You can't pretend that I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cause we lost it all
Nothin' lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care any more
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't…

xxx

There are frowns and there are tears.
There are times where I just can't stop crying.
All my pains and fears.
Are the days when I can't stop trying.
Do you remember those days that
nothing they said really mattered.

Redemption V

The morning was bright and cool. School had just started a month ago after a hot and sticky Summer. Jake Cutter had spent his vacation at the lake with his friends camping, swimming and staying out late listening to music and watching concerts at the Civic center. Sammy, his best friend, well he was to more than a best friend. He hadn't admitted it to him but, since the first day they met in junior high, Jake was deeply in love with Sammy Morris. He had prayed and prayed for Sammy to notice, but really he was scared of what he might think if he found out his best friend was gay. Yes, he said it again to himself. He was gay. He was gay and there wasn't a girl in Harmon High that could ever change that no matter how hard they tried. Don't get me wrong, he had good friends and some of them were girls. He even loved a few of them like Hannah and Sarah. But not that way. They were friends and that's all they will ever be. Sammy was different. He wasn't like any of the others. Male or female. Since the day they met, Sammy treated Jake with respect and kindness. It was funny really. What he really did was save his life.
It was three years ago. Jake and his family had just moved to Harmon Maine. His father had been sent to the Bank as its new President from Little Falls New Jersey. Jake at the time wasn't speaking to his parents. He loved where they had lived and he didn't want to leave his friends. When they told him about the move, he asked. No, he begged them to let him stay with his Grandparents. But they said no and packed him up and they were off to Harmon. For Jake, it had been a quiet and lonely ride. His parents talked and sang as they drove, but Jake never said a word. Not to either of them. He was still to upset about the move.
They left Jersey on a Friday morning. The drive had taken them four hours. That included traffic and a stop for lunch. as they pulled into Harmon, they stopped at a gas station and got directions to Main street where Dad's bank was. From the Bank, it was another half an hour to the new house.
As his parents unloaded their things from the car, Jake sat in the back seat with his arms crossed. He didn't help with any of their things. He just sat there brooding. He got no dinner and he slept there with nothing but his coat to keep him warm. The next morning, his Mom came out with his breakfast.
"Good morning Jake."
"Good morning." He said coldly as he sat up.
"We have to talk." She passed him the plate and a glass of milk. He tried to push it away, "EAT!!"
He took the fork from her and started on the eggs.
"You surprise me, Jake. I always thought you were smart and fair. Your honest and I thought you loved your Dad and I. But lately I'm disappointed in you. I realize you liked it back in Jersey and you wanted to stay, but that wasn't possible. Your our son and where we go, you go. You'll get to go back and visit. You can stay there all next summer if you want. But this is home now. This is our home and you better get used to it."
Jake put down the fork and looked away. He knew he was being selfish. But he didn't want to be here.
"Do you have any idea how upset your father?" She asked. "Do you care?"
"Yes of course I care."
"That's not how I see it." She frowned at him. "He works very hard to give us this life. You have never gone hungry and you ALWAYS got your clothes new. New sneakers, new stereo, new MP3 player and the PlayStation. What about your laptop? So far you've had 3. Do you know how much they cost? Is this how you thank us?"
"No," Jake said. He knew his parents deserved a lot better than the ways he's been treating them. "I'm sorry."
"I'm not the one you should be apologizing too." She got out of the car and slammed the door behind her. "When your Dad gets home, you will apologize. You will not let him see a second of discomfort in your eyes. You will show him how much you love and appreciate him. Now you sit here and think about how lucky you are. When your ready, you get up to your room and put your things away."
That night when his father got home, Jake was sitting on the front steps waiting for him. Father pulled into the garage and stepped out of the car. The second Jake saw him, he ran out and grabbed him and cried.
"Don't cry." He said. "Everything is going to be OK."
As tears welled up in his eyes, his father never felt so loved in his life. Jake pulled away and looked up into his eyes.
"I'm sorry," Jake said. "I hurt you and I didn't mean to. I was just so mad."
"We moved here to make a better life for us all." He said. "There will be so much you'll be able to do here. You'll make new friends. You'll get to camp and swim. We'll be happy here."
"I know Dad." Jake smiled at him. He was right. Things would be different here.

That Monday morning, Father to Jake to his first day in the new school. It wasn't a bad day. There were eight periods per day. He had English, math, gym, and science every day. History was 3 days a week. Shop class was on Thursdays and Friday. Lunch fifth period and study hall was his last class of the day.
During homeroom, Jake sat across from a tall blond kid with the most handsome smile. He introduced himself as Sammy Morris. He was on the football team and the track team. As the day went on, Jake saw him in 3 more of his classes including lunch. They didn't talk that much in school that day. Not until the incident after school.

As Jake walked up Hamilton Ave, the blond kid Sammy was on his mind. He wondered what he meant by he would see him after school. He wasn't in his study class and he didn't run into him out it the yard. Jake did look for him, that was the day he met Hannah. She walked him to the park but had to turn off on Sherman. The home was three more blocks north of Lexington Ave.
\All Jake could think about was Sammy's deep blue eyes. Jake had been lost in them for all of the third period. During lunch, Sammy asked Jake something about his Little Falls High shirt he was wearing. Jake had mumbled something back but he really didn't remember what. What he did remember was his smile and how it felt when he touched him. Jake had gotten all warm all over. There was one more thing. Jake got hard as a rock when Sammy put his hands on his shoulders. Not only did he get a hard-on, but the touch also sent chills all through his body.
Yeah, he was gay and I guess he was in love for the first time. But how dd Sammy feel? Did he get the chills too? Did he like when he touched Jake? Sammy did have a huge smile on his face. Maybe he liked it too.
Just then, Jake heard something behind him. Could it be Sammy? With a smile on his face, Jake turned around.
"Well, well well." The dark-haired Latino boy said. "Look what we have here. It's the new kid."
Jake swallowed then took a step back and ran right into another one of the gang. As the boy put up his hands he pushed Jake into the center of the ring of gang members. There were eight surrounding Jake and pushing him from one to the next. Juan the leaders, laughed as he pulled a switchblade from his pocket and started cleaning his nails.
"I think its time we got to know you a little better." Juan reached out and grabbed Jake by his jacket. "Whoa!! Looka here boys. It looks like he's glad to see us."
Juan spun him around and stuck his hand down in Jakes jeans and grabbed his cock. The gang laughed not realizing how good it felt to Jake to have him stroking his cock. Though he was scared, what this boy was doing fulled Jake's body with excitement. Sweat poured off of Jake as Juan unbuttoned his pants and pushed them down, Jake fell back almost paralyzed in fear. He looked at Juan's gang smiling and rubbing the bulge in their pants. They knew when Juan was finished, it would be their turn.
As Jake trembled, two members stepped up and helped Juan bend him over. Still laughing, Juan undid his pants and stepped out of them and pushed his way up between Jakes' legs. As Juan pushed in, Jake screaming out in pain. For a second, he blacked out wishing he was anywhere but here getting raped. As the pain banged away at his bottom, Jake heard a yell as he fell down on the ground. Then he felt someone pick him up and helped him to what felt like the back seat of a car. As fear rattled around in his head, Jake pushed himself back thinking the gang had him set for the next round. Scared, Jake opened his eyes and there was Sammy holding him in his arms trying to comfort him.
"Shhh!!" He said as he rocked Jake softly. "It's over and they won't hurt you ever again."
As Jake looked Sammy in his eyes, tears welled up and he started to cry. He looked down at himself and saw he was covered with a blanket. His pants and underwear lay there at his feet. With his face buried in Sammy's chest, Jake tried to push the memories of what happened away from him. But how could he forget? The pain in his bottom wouldn't let him forget. As Sammy stroked at his hair, he bent over and kissed Jake on his forehead.
"It's over." He whispered. "I'll take you home so we can call the police."
"No!!" Jake said weakly. "I don't what my parents to see me like this."
"Then where do you want to go?"
"I don't know." He cried. "I want to die!"
"No Jake," Sammy said. "I just met you. I can't lose you."
Jake laid back and let Sammy hold him and slowly rock him. His chest smelled so good and clean. He could feel Sammy's heart pounding as they rocked. Being here with him felt right. He never wanted him to let him go.
"There's no one at my house," Sammy said. "We can go there."
"OK."
Sammy wrapped him in the blanket and told him to hang on to the seat belts. Then he climbed out of the car and went and hopped into the drives seat, As he started the car, the engine roared in life. Slowly Sammy drove the six blocks and pulled the car into his garage. Parked he pushed the button to close the garage door and went back to help Jake into the house.
As Sammy laid Jake down in his bed, he opened his eyes and looked around. Sports figures hung in posters on the wall. There was a desk with a laptop and speakers in the four corners of the room. An electric guitar sat on a stand next to a small portable amp. Sammy's bed was king sized with blue sheets and blankets to match.
As Jake lay there, memories of the rape flashed through his mind. The pain and humiliation burned deep in his heart. Though he loved Sammy, he could barely look at him. The shame of being raped and used by the gang tore at his soul. How could he ever face Sammy again? He had seen him laying there with that bastard on top of him ramming his cock in and out of Jake hole. There was only one way that he could clean that shit from his mind.
Jake sat up and listened for Sammy. He was somewhere downstairs fixing a cup of tea for Jake. Standing up, he turned and made his way to the Morris bathroom. The house was really nice with lace drapes all in a light blue tone. The bathroom was done in soft blue tiles. Jake open the medicine chest and rummaged though looking for something that would end his problem.
He found Metropolol and Atorvastatin. One was for the heart and the other was for high blood pressure. Neither of them would do. He dug in some more. The next shelf had just what he was looking for. Pain killers. There was a bottle of Oxicoton. Sammy's father had fallen and hurt his back. The doctor had to order something serious for pain.
Jake stared at the bottle in his hand. These would do. Then would put him down and keep him sleeping while the drugs did their work.
As Jake twisted the top open and poured the pills in his hand, the down opened and Sammy came in with a cup of coffee. He looked in at Jake and dropped the coffee.
"What are you doing?" He asked as he pushed his way in. He grabbed the pill bottle from Jake's hand looking at him with fury in his eyes. "How in the hell do you think this would help?"
"It'll stop me from thinking about what happened." Jake said as he reached how the pills. "Besides, this is my life. I'm sorry you had to see what happened, but  I have to figure out how to deal with it. Not you, and not my parents."
"Yes." Sammy said. "You have to figure out how to deal with it, but you don't have to be alone. You have people that love and care for you.Your mother, your father and.......me."
As the room spun around and around, Jake squeezed the pill bottle in his hand until it cracked, then he dropped it. His ears were ringing and his eye were slightly blurred. Sammy had just said something, but Jake wasn't sure if he heard what he thought he heard. What he thought he heard was impossible. Sammy couldn't have said what he thought, could he? Was Jake's mind hearing just what he thought? Was he going crazy? He turned away from Sammy and walked to the window and opened it up. If he dived out. he would land head first and that would stop all the confusion. He would be dead and he wouldn't have to deal with all this plan
As his leg lifted to the window ledge, Sammy leaped forward and dragged him away from the window.
In his mind a voice whispered something that soothed his mixed up mind.
[That's twice he caught you and saved your life. Don't say your sorry, this was not your fault. You don't need to be sorry. What will it take to convince you of his love? Doesn't it feel right when he holds you? Don't you see the sparkle of love when you look into his eyes? Listen to his heart, what do you hear?]
"Please don't go." Sammy said as tears ran down his face. "Now that I've found you, I can't lose you. Not now, not ever. My heart is your's and I can't live without you. Give me your heart and I will protect it with my life. I love you Jake. I love you now and for the rest of my life."
Suddenly all the confusion was gone and bells were ringing out loud and clear. Jake smiled and looked up into Sammy's eyes.
"I am and always will be yours Sammy Morris." Jake kissed him deeply. "And I will never let you go."                                                                                                                                                         

Sparks

I could sing of love long past in days of old.
Or I could tell a new tale of a bright new day.
I could cry about the loneliness deep in my heart
Or  I could tell you about a handsome lad in a French cafe.
I could talk of two eyes that meet in a park.
and the way they're hearts beat until
they finally touch and sparks fly.
It's all about love, its all about pain.
its all about tears and how I cry in the rain.

A lonely dream.

As the day turns into night.
I lay here all alone. 
Wondering how it went wrong.
Did I speak out too soon?
Did I ask for too much?
Did ask for the Sun 
But only gave you the moon ?
As the stars burn so bright.
My heart seeks a ride.
Away from this rock.
To find a new home.
On a star out there somewhere.
Where love is understood.
You know it has no real limit.
Be it, man or woman.

Why is I love so hard to say?

There's a song in my head.

And a tear in my eye.

For the words that we said.

It was all another lie.

Winter smiles.

I hope you had a very merry Christmas

I hope it was bright and happy. 

I hope there was jingle bells 

and bright happy smiles and delicious smells.

Toys and games for everyone. 

Bright lights flash from the sun.

A walk down to the mistltow.

Love and laughter for you all.

Once out dancing in the evening snow. 

Watching snow piles as they grow.

Hot rum cidar and a warm sweet kiss.

Happy smiles turn to bliss.

Walking home arm in arm.

He'll protect me from all harm.

Happy smiles from me to you.

Joyus wishes, yes its true.
No more tears, sadness set aside.
No more fear, we'll turn the tide.

A winters dance out in the snow.
We'll watch it pile, we'll see it grow.
His arms are warm and sweet are his kiss.
Happy smile from us.